Divorce – The Unspoken Rules
"If only I had known………" Divorce is hard, very hard. There are some quiet rules that if known upfront can make this very difficult process easier. The sooner you know these rules the better.
There is so much about divorce that just plain isn't fair. It's not fair that you are getting divorced in the first place or that your kids will suffer. It's not fair that you will end up with half or less of everything you own. The sooner you really understand that divorce isn't fair the sooner you will make better decisions.
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If the divorce laws seem to apply to you or not you need to follow them. Everyone must abide by the same laws which means that they don't fit anyone well. You must follow what seems to fit and what doesn't seem to fit.
Stay out of court if you possibly can. Remember, in court a virtual stranger makes decisions which will greatly impact your future. A stranger, the judge, will decide when you can see your kids, what will happen with your house, and how much money you will live on for years. If you can avoid court, avoid it!
Divorce is very expensive. For 95% of those getting divorced their standard of living will go down significantly. The income and assets that have been supporting one household now have to support two.
Divorce takes longer and costs more than you think. Divorce is the unweaving of lives that have been woven together for years. It is a complex process. It's a process that can take many years.
Chances are you couldn't control your spouse before your divorce, and you won't be able to after. The sooner you accept this the less frustrated you will be. You can't control how your ex parents your kids after your divorce or when you aren't around. You can't control how your ex spends money. You can control yourself. Start focusing on yourself and rebuilding your own life.
You need support through your divorce. Don't go it alone. Set yourself up to both survive your divorce and thrive afterwards. This means you need emotional support, legal advice, and financial advice. You will need supportive friends and family. Rely on your personal community.
Getting divorced is a full-time job. It is a huge logistical and emotional transition. Get on top of your emotions as soon as possible so you are better able to deal with the logistics. You will have to collect information, analyze finances, change your living situation, develop a new life with your kids, and more. The sooner you have a handle on your emotions the more effective you will be in handling your various concerns.
You are in charge. You need to research your options, understand your choices, and make your own decisions. Don't turn all your decisions over to your lawyer. It is your life and you are the one who will be living with the decisions that are made.
Your relationship with your spouse continues. Divorce doesn't end your relationship; it just changes it. If you fight during your divorce you will likely continue to fight after your divorce. The fighting is even more likely if you have kids. Keep this is mind during your divorce and act accordingly.
Understand the rules of divorce. The better your understanding of the rules the better the outcome of your divorce.